The Hidden Scars: Impacts of NarcissisticAbuse on Men and Its Covert Nature

Narcissistic abuse is a form of emotional manipulation where the abuser, often

exhibiting traits of narcissistic personality disorder, exploits others for their own gain.

While discussions around abuse frequently centre on women as victims, men

experience it too, often in silence. This blog explores the profound impacts of

narcissistic abuse on men, with a particular focus on its covert forms, which can be

insidious and hard to detect. Drawing from psychological insights and survivor

accounts, we'll uncover how this abuse manifests, its long-term effects, and paths to

recovery. By shedding light on this under-discussed topic, we aim to empower men

to recognise and address it.

Understanding Covert Narcissistic Abuse

Unlike overt narcissism, which involves grandiosity and overt aggression, covert

narcissism is subtle and passive-aggressive. Covert narcissists often present as

vulnerable or self-deprecating, masking their manipulative tendencies, which often

enable their own esteem needs to be met. In relationships with men, this can

manifest as the abuser portraying the man as their "saviour"creating an emotional

dependency that feels flattering at first but turns controlling. Signs include

gaslighting, where the abuser denies events or twists facts to make the victim doubt

their reality, and emotional withholding, such as silent treatments or subtle criticisms

disguised as concern.

For men, this covertness is amplified by societal norms. Men are often expected to

be stoic providers, making it more difficult for them to admit vulnerability. A covert

narcissistic partner might undermine a man's confidence through backhanded

compliments or by playing the victim in arguments, leaving him feeling guilty without

understanding why. This subtlety allows the abuse to persist unnoticed, as it lacks

the visible bruises of physical violence, instead eroding the victim's sense of self over

time.

Key signs of narcissistic abuse, such as emotional manipulation and isolation tactics.

Common tactics include projection, where the abuser accuses the man of their own

flaws, or isolation, gradually cutting him off from friends and family under the guise of

protecting the relationship. These behaviours are not always intentional malice but

stem from the narcissist's deep-seated insecurities. However, the effect is the same:

a slow dismantling of the man's autonomy.

Psychological Impacts on Men

The mental toll of narcissistic abuse on men is severe and multifaceted. Victims

often develop anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) from

constant manipulation. Gaslighting, a hallmark of covert abuse, leads to self-doubt

and cognitive dissonance, where men question their perceptions and memories. This

can result in emotional numbness, a defence mechanism that helps individuals cope

with ongoing invalidation.

Low self-esteem is another common outcome. Men might internalise the abuser's

criticisms, believing they are inadequate or unlovable. In male survivors, this

manifests as imposter syndrome in professional settings or reluctance to pursue

personal goals, as the abuse reinforces feelings of worthlessness. Furthermore, the

stigma around male vulnerability exacerbates isolation; men may avoid seeking help,

fearing judgment as weak.

Long-term, these psychological effects can lead to complex PTSD, characterised by

hypervigilance and flashbacks to abusive episodes. Studies indicate that male

victims experience higher rates of substance abuse as a maladaptive coping

strategy, compounding mental health issues.

Emotional and Relational Effects

Emotionally, narcissistic abuse leaves men feeling drained and disconnected. The

cycle of idealisation (love bombing) followed by devaluation creates an addictive

rollercoaster, making it hard to leave. Men often report walking on eggshells,

anticipating the next mood swing or criticism, which erodes their emotional

resilience.

Relationally, trust issues persist long after the relationship ends. Survivors may

struggle with intimacy, fearing repetition of the abuse, leading to avoidance of new

relationships or overcompensation through people-pleasing behaviours. In familial

contexts, such as with a narcissistic parent or sibling, men might carry unresolved

anger or guilt, affecting their roles as fathers or partners.

Covert abuse amplifies these effects by making them invisible to outsiders. Friends

might see the abuser as charming, dismissing the man's concerns, which deepens

his sense of alienation.

Physical Health Consequences

The stress from narcissistic abuse doesn't stay mental; it manifests physically.

Chronic stress elevates cortisol levels, leading to issues like hypertension, weakened

immune systems, and gastrointestinal problems. Men might experience insomnia,

weight changes, or exacerbated conditions like heart disease due to prolonged

emotional turmoil.

In severe cases, the abuse can indirectly lead to self-harm or suicidal ideation, as

the cumulative impact overwhelms coping mechanisms. Recognising these links is

crucial, as men are less likely to connect physical symptoms to emotional abuse.

Why Narcissistic Abuse on Men Is Often More Covert

Societal gender roles play a significant role in why abuse against men remains

hidden. Traditional masculinity discourages emotional expression, so men endure in

silence rather than risk emasculation. Covert narcissists exploit this by using subtle

tactics like passive-aggression or victim-playing, which don't fit the stereotype of

abuse as physical.

Moreover, resources for male victims are scarce, with support groups often geared

toward women. This lack of visibility perpetuates the cycle, as men hesitate to label

their experiences as abuse.

Legal systems can compound the issue; in custody battles, narcissistic women might

use false accusations to portray men as aggressors, leveraging biases that favour

female victims

Strategies for surviving narcissistic abuse, emphasising distance and self-focus.

Paths to Recovery and Support

Healing from narcissistic abuse requires acknowledgement and professional help.

Please get in touch with one of our experts today

Written by Paul Rowlands Associate counsellor Anchor of Hope Counselling.